CoffeeTime: “CHIEF FAULT AND DEFAULT OF COUPLES”

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“The chief fault and default position that seems to lead to the decline in the number of husbands and wives.”  A line taken from a song released decades ago, and recently re-released by Brookes & Dunn. Still so true today.

The song is talking about Pride - the chief fault of us all. And invariably, the default position that every member of a couple falls back on, when they find themselves in an disagreement. Everybody wants to see themselves as the one who holds the position of ‘being in the right.’  Also known to the successful combatant as “The Winner.”

Really? Just because you can yell the loudest or out argue your spouse, or prove that your logic is closer to the truth, you should declare yourself The Winner?

Folks, there is a problem with this age-old way of conducting relationships. It is this.

For there to be a winner, there has to be a loser.  And being the loser in a battle sets that loser up to feel resentful. And slightly ‘less than.’ And more often than not, angry at the winner. Resentful, ‘less than,’ and angry. Oh yeah, this is an outstanding basis for that couple’s day, or week.

Now certainly, if the winner bases their self-worth on the ability to always come out on top in an argument, then that partner walks away from the battle feeling confident and absolutely justified.

But the so-called loser of the skirmish? Those feelings of resentment, ‘less than,’ and anger certainly do not make good ingredients for making that person feel growing love for the winner. Negative emotions do not make a loser want to spend time with their partner. To want to please, to comfort, and to laugh with that person.

In fact, it is pretty easy to see that insisting on being The Winner is gradually accomplishing the opposite of what you are truly wanting. To be loved, accepted and appreciated. Honestly, is that kind of losing really what you are trying to achieve? Because that is exactly what is happening.

So, Winner, I predict that you lose more than you ever realize, when you insist on being right every time. You would be a much smarter and effective victor if you would choose back off the ego-boosting need to win-at-any-cost every skirmish and clash between you and your partner.